


Our true selves I. - Donghyun's pov

by Myfavotps



Category: MXM (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dongpaca, M/M, Romance, YoungDong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 15:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14751137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myfavotps/pseuds/Myfavotps
Summary: Sometimes we hide our true selves, because we’re afraid if the others get to know who we truly are, they will judge us. But the most important thing is who we are without our wrapper. Let’s be brave and show our real selves, because we’re all beautiful as we are. This world is colorful, because we’re all alike but still different.





	1. Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

> Well as you can see from the tags this will be again a dongpaca /Kim Donghyun and Lim Youngmin/ fanfic. I still love MXM with my whole heart. Now I came a fanfic that will be based on real life again. I just think the reality is always better than a full fictional story.  So there will be some real fact about them again, but the largest part is only my fantasy. 
> 
> Well let’s start. I hope you will enjoy it. I would be happy if you wrote me a comment. They really motivate me. Let me know what you think about my fanfic. English isn't my first language so please be patient with me if I made some grammar mistakes.

 

  
             2017. Fall. The weather turned colder. Everybody took their coat out of the wardrobe. Trees also changed their clothes. Everything was colorful. Red, yellow, brown. Birds got ready to migrate to warmer places. Children chose to play inside, so playgrounds become quieter. The wind brought school bell ringing sounds. I always loved autumn, because I can’t bear the heat well, so the temperature is perfect for me. Finally I can dress in layers again, just like Youngmin hyung. And here we are.

            Everybody saw us like best buddies, but in those times when this story started, we were far from friends. We had a good hyung and dongsaeng relationship and that was all. We worked together, went home together, ate together, even slept together, but we only talked in formal about how would we improve our skills and become famous or little nothings. For example how the weather was or what would we eat that day. Maybe many people would have been satisfied with that, but I wasn’t.

              I like getting to know everybody well. For me everyone is like a bonbon, as you hold it in your hands you can see how its wrapper, here you can still decide not to get it and put back onto the shelf. If you are still curious, you will buy it. After you unwrap and look it without its wrapper, you can still stop, but if you like what you see, you will want to taste it. Is it really as you expected or it’s better or worser? If it’s bad, you can spit it out, but the flavour stays on your tongue for a long time. If it’s tasty, you will want more from it.

           Well at that time in Youngmin hyung’s case I still stood in the shop looking the wrapper, what was really eye-appeal, but I couldn’t decide to get it or not. What does the wrapper hide? Is it dark or milk chocolate? I was curious and wanted to buy it, but what if it disappointed me? What would happen then?

              I had always thought I was good at getting close to strangers until I met Youngmin hyung. Usually I know the way how to approach everybody, someone is shy so I had to take the first step and be patience, someone is talkative so I only need a good topic to talk about and we become friends forever, but hyung is different from others. It was difficult to get close to him. He was mysterious just like James Bond. He never talked about his feelings, what made him happy or sad. Had he ever been angry or hate someone? Had he ever been in love? I had a lot of questions like these in my mind, but I had never asked them. I don’t know why. Maybe I just didn’t have a chance, because he always drew my attention away or found something to do when I wanted to talk about his personal life.

                He was nice to me, as it were, he was too nice. He was like a saint. He always listened to me when I had a problem and gave me advice. He always agreed with everything I said, we had never been in a fight like other guys with lots of testosterone. I don’t know why, but at that time I just felt like...how can I say.....as if he didn’t really care about me and treat me as his partner. Sometimes I thought he was emotionally indifferent towards me. You won’t have a quarrel if there aren’t any feelings. Usually if there was an issue we had to solve, he listened to my opinion, nodded then left me behind. I was angry and sad at the same time.

             He totally excluded me from his life. He spent his free time alone in the practice room or in the studio. He didn’t show me his self-made rap lines. In front of the cameras he seemed a playful hyung, but in real life he was so introverted. I begged him to come with me to play outside, but he always said he was tired. I wanted to ride a bicycle together, then have ramen at Han River, but in the end I was eating alone at the bank while looking at the other cheerful people around me. I was envious of their happiness and I felt lonely...so lonely, I wished he had been there with me.

               It was before our first Brand New Concert as MXM when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I practiced 1 out of N with Hanhae hyung and we played together while rapping, Youngmin sat on the other side of the room and just stared at us. „Come on, hyung! Let’s practice together.” I shouted to him playfully. „Thanks but I think you don’t need me. You look like a sweet couple. I don’t want to disturb you.” Nevertheless he smiled, he seemed serious. He rejected me again with that ridiculous reason. I don’t know why, maybe because I was a little sensitive that time, but it made me upset. „What the fuck with you, hyung?! We work our asses off here... you should.....(be together with me),” I told him in informal. He just blinked at me suprisedly. I couldn’t wait for his explanation, just rushed out of the room.

                 I was ashamed of behaving like that in front of Hanhae sunbae whom I was a fan for a long time. He had never seen that side of me, that was to say, Youngmin hyung also hadn’t seen me like this before. I was surprised myself as well. Why did his words make me so angry. Maybe he just wanted to joke with us and I was too rude to him. How could I behave such shameless? I regreted the whole thing after I had closed the door behind myself. Some minutes later when I calmed down and took some deep breaths, I went back to the room and sat down onto the floor. I tried to gather my strength to apologize. My hyungs talked to each other on the other side. Sunbae patted hyung’s back, then he smiled at me commiseratingly and left us alone.

                Youngmin glanced at me, then before I could have started my apology, he came to me and held out his hands to me. „I’m sorry...I think I made a mistake.” He said looking down at me. „No, hyung!....” I rejected his hand then jumped to my feet. „Why are you so nice to me even though we both know I was an asshole!!!....I should say sorry. Why are you do this to me?! I hate when you agree with me in everything. Just fight back! Say it was my fault!” I shouted my every repressed thoughts into his face. „I want to know what do you think about......(me)!” I stared deeply into his eyes. „What do you want to know?” He asked bitterly and kept on talking without waiting for my answer. „That it doesn’t matter how much I try, I’m not able to tell you no. That I can’t sleep since I have met you, because you are there in my every fucking dream.” He slowly came closer to me and I moved back towards the wall. „That I dance until I can’t able to think about anything. That I hate seeing you with other people, hate when you chat with them and smile at them. That I can’t be near to you, because I want to do things with you that I mustn’t do.” I bumped against the wall. „That I even jerk myself off looking at your photos......” His lips almost touched mine. I shut my eyes. „Look!” He laughed sourly. „I’m disgusting ........ you can’t even look me in the eye anymore.....I knew you would react like this way........” He stopped talking. We just stood there and I wasn’t able to move or opened my eyes. I could feel the warmth of his body and it was strange because it wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I felt like my twin was with me, but it wasn’t the same. It was familiar, but at the same time it was ......how can I say....exciting....hot. My mind became foggy, but before my body could move, he stroked my arms gently. „Let’ s just pretend that nothing happened......” I still didn’t dare to open my eyes, so I couldn’t see his expression but his voice sounded so sad. He went out of the room silently leaving me alone with my thoughts that raced through my mind.

             I was in shock and totally confused. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. He meant ..... he loved me or I misunderstood something. Before that incident I had never thought that Youngmin hyung had feelings for me. I realized the bonbon with that nice wrapper was dark chocolate and though I was happy - I don’t like milk chocolate as much as dark, because it’s too sweet - I still didn’t dare to taste it.

              I was always attracted to women. I liked girls since kindergarten. I always thought they were pretty. After school with my friends we would look under girls’ skirts. We were curious and naughty boys just like everybody in our age. In high school I had many fans so I dated a lot. I had two serious relationships and I really enjoyed being together with them. So I didn’t know what could I do in that situation, that was totally new for me. But I couldn’t deny that I felt something when he was such close to me. „If hyung didn’t stop me, I would do something .....something......” I touched my lips and couldn’t help smiling like an idiot.


	2. Things we can’t say out

           After that incident had happened in the practice room, the thing I was afraid came true, we became totally awkward around each other. Youngmin hyung became more introverted. He gave me a cold shoulder. He really behaved as if nothing happened....no he lived his life as if I didn’t exist. He didn’t listen to my problems anymore and he ate alone without me. He just told me the most necessary things and that was all. I thought about him and our relationship a lot. It wasn’t only his fault, I also became shy around him and didn’t dare to look him in the eyes anymore. When he spoke to me I looked at his lips, but it wasn’t a good idea at all, because it made me curious. I wondered whether they really tasted like dark chocolate. What does it feel like to love by a man? What does kissing and having sex feel like? Does it feel better doing with a boy than a girl? I couldn’t help thinking about things like these. Sometimes I thought I would go crazy, but he, that „lives in his own world boy” looked calm....too calm.

           He worked as hard as usual. I couldn’t believe my eyes how could he focus. I was looking at him talking with our stylist about clothes we would wear on the concert when suddenly one of my dancer hyung sat down next to me. „Are you ok? You look worried...” He put his hand on my shoulder. „Is something wrong?” His touch didn’t feel as good as Youngmin’s so I changed posture and his hand slipped off my arm. „Uhmm...nothing...that is to say...have you ever been in love?” I asked shyly. „Ohhh...I see you have feelings for someone!” He said it loudly giving me a slap on the back. „It’s not that!” I whined. I felt like everybody was looking at us so I was so embarrased. Well maybe not everyone stared at us, but surely one person glanced at us. His eyes narrowed, and he clenched his jaw. „So who is that lucky girl that stole your heart?” dancer hyung looked at me unblinking. He was like a big baby in front of the candy shop. „I have already said it, hyung.....It’s not like that.” He must be disappointed in my answer, because his expression changed serious. „Ohhhh...so you still didn’t tell her.....” I just nodded. „Well platonic love is a tough stuff. Let’ say it’s suck.” He laughed rubbing his nape. „Usually I have this kind of loves because...well just look at me.” he tried to look funny but his eyes were sad. „But I think in your case it can’t be a problem.” He cupped my face with his hand and make me turn my head right to left. „Sure...nobody can resist your handsomeness. You are charming even if man sees you.” He stated. „Than just one thing left...she has a boyfriend.” He said it wholeheartedly. I glanced at Youngmin hyung who seemed upset, he gripped his bag and rushed out of the room. „Uhhh...well...it’s more difficult....” I answered. I didn’t know how could I talk about my case. „Look....if you really love her, time will solve everything. Just don’t give up on her.” he told me patting my back, then went back to the other dancers. I knew he wanted to help, but his advice was useless to me. I thought time would never solve my case, because there were things that would never change.

  
*

  
            After practice I couldn’t find hyung anywhere so I asked our manager to tell me where he was. He said Youngmin had to go somewhere, so I didn’t worry. I thought of staying for one more hour to practice singing. Why? If I had gone home, nobody would have been there.

           I was choosing the songs, when Hanhae sunbae entered into my room suddenly. „Hyung?!....What are you doing here?” I was surprised that he was still there. It was almost 22 p.m. „Donghyun I have to talk to you about Youngmin.” He seemed worried. „What happend to him? I need to know.” I begged hyung to tell me. „He totally scared me today. During your dance practice I saw him punching the wall.” he gabbled. „What?!” I became anxious. „...and how is he now?!” I panicked. „I don’t know your manager took him away. But in my experience....the wall always wins.” He said. I needed to see him, but when I was about to leave to look for Youngmin, Hanhae hyung stopped me grabbing my arm and told me: „Just give me five minutes then I will let you go.” I nodded. „Please think twice before you do a stupid thing. I know you’re attracted to each other.” When I looked at him suprisedly, he added: You can’t hide it. Your chemistry shows than you’re more than just simple friends. So it’s natural that you’re curious, but maybe you should try things with somebody you don’t know before start a relationship with him. I know some people who can help you decide that you’re gay or not.” I just blinked. „Just think what would happen if you broke up. Maybe he would hit you or worse. ” he said. „No...he isn’t like this. He’s a kind person.” I denied his allegation. „I thought of him just like you until today. You didn’t see how mad he was...well I have to go now.... just please won’t do anything rashly and if you need help, I’m here for you.” he said goodbye, but before he left he hugged me brotherly. I knew he just wanted to protect me. He was always like an elder brother to me and he usually gave good advices, but I thought he wasn’t right now. Hyung would never hurt me.

         After I had left the building, I got to know that Youngmin was already at home. So I rushed there. When I entered into the dorm our manager welcomed me. „Is his hand okay?” I asked without greeting. „How do you know about it?” He looked questioningly at me. „Hanhae hyung saw everything....so....Why didn’t you tell me?” I was resentful. „Well...we didn’t want you to worry. Fortunately it didn’t break but it need rest so he has to wear bandage for a while .....” I didn’t wait for him to finish his answer. „I will talk to him.” I just wanted to see him. „Okay...I will be in the other room if you need me.” Our manager said.

           When I got our room, I stood by the door and just looked at hyung. He was so cute as he tried to take of his T- shirt with one hand. I can’t help smiling. „Can I help you?” I asked and grabbed his clothe, but he pushed me away roughly with his unhurt hand. I paralyzed he was never such rude to me. Maybe Hanhae hyung was right. He changed. I was about to react his previous action, but when I opened my mouth, he stopped me. „It’s not your business.” he stated firmly. „What?!......This’s mine as much as it’s yours. Don’t forget we’re in the same group. Despite you do thing as if you were a solo artist, I still care about you.” I said in a trembling voice. „No....no.” he shook his head. „You are wrong. I always work because of I want we, together become succesful as a duo.” he looked into my eyes sadly. I felt guilty. Maybe I went too far. „Then why don’t you talk to me? Why do you hide behind closed doors and ridiculous excuses? Why don’t you tell me the reason of you anger? I would like to be part of the world you built to yourself.” My voice was softer and calmer than before. „Do you know how fucking unfair you are now?! You expect me to tell you everything about me, but you also don’t talk about your feelings. How come you didn’t tell me a word about you love someone.” He looked hurt and angry at the same time. At this point I realized what his real problem was. Why he behaved like this. I was scared how deep his feelings for me were. Hanhae hyung’s words came to my mind. My responsibility was so huge, our future was in my hands. It wasn’t a childish game anymore. I never believed in love that lasts forever. What if I’m just curious? What if we break up, how shall we overstep it. How will Youngmin hyung react?” What if our families get to know it, what will they think about us? I had a lot of thoughts like these in my mind. I was really scared. On the one hand I would liked to pull him close to me and hug him, but on the other hand I wanted to push him away as far as I could. „As you said....It’s not your business.....We just work together....nothing more. Ahh...and sorry I just wanted to be nice to you, but it seems you don’t want it.” I said firmly I was about to leave the room when he grabbed my arm. „You told him too....” he said bitterly. I didn’t understand anything. „So for you....I’m not on the same level as a simple background dancer. You’re closer to him too than me.” he tightened his grip on my arm. I shut my eyes. I thought he would hit me. „Are you afraid of me?” He asked and I hesitated. I didn’t know what I should have said. „Donghyun...I would never hurt you.....Why can’t you trust in me?...You tell me to talk about myself but you aren’t able to look at me. You’re the one who closes yourself off not me.................Sorry, I won’t bother you anymore...” he let my hand go. When I opened my eyes he showed his back towards me. I know I should have said something, but I couldn’t. He was right. There were things I wasn’t able to tell him then and I couldn’t admit for myself too.

            Thinking back to those times, they were the worst of my life. You know it’s so hard to be a human being. We have too much unnecessary thoughts and feelings. Maybe my next life I should be reborn as an animal. I would be a chipmunk (I’m already similar to one) and Youngmin hyung would be a real alpaca. We just need some food and we would live happily and freely.


	3. At least fight with me

         Months passed in the blink of an eye. Autumn turned to winter. Leaves fell down and snow covered everything. Cold...frozen...and...quiet...so quiet. Birds didn’t sing anymore and there weren’t children laughs in the wind. I had always loved winter but now I hate it. After our second fight the silence was deafening between us too. It would have been better if we had fought than that. Although I was never alone, because our stuff members and Hanhae hyung were always around me, I still felt lonely. It wasn’t enough I lost Daehwi and Woojin’s nearness, now Youngmin hyung also left me alone. He really ignored me and he looked right through me as if I was a ghost but that was how I deserved to be treated after I behaved towards him. I hurt him deeply. I didn’t want to cry in front of others so a lot of times I went to the Han River and let go my sad feelings there. As if the icy water washed away my salty tears, I always felt better after that.

         One day I thought of calling Daehwi. Despite he is younger than me, but he still feels like a hyung sometimes because of his wisdom. When I was about to dialed his number, my phone rang. It was him. Maybe there was telepathic connection between us I thought. „What are you doing now hyung?” he asked. His voice sounded worried. „I do nothing, just watching as the grass grows.” I replied. „Is everything okay with you? I had a bad feeling.” „Aha...I’m just tired.” I said yawning. „Please don’t try to fool me, hyung. Tell me the true...don’t pretend you’re fine.” He was firm and cute at the same time. I can’t help smiling. I realized how much I missed my little brother. „It seems you know me too well....I need your advice...” I didn’ t see him but I’m sure he nodded like crazy. „Well there is someone I like and that person also seems to like me but we can’t be together. I don’t know what I should do.” I told him my problem as sincere as possible. „If you really love that special someone, don’t hesitate....You know Woojin hyung told me he had feelings for me, but I was afraid to accept his love and now it’s too late he’s with Jihoon hyung...” he stopped. I felt his sadness through the phone. Guilt fluttered through me. I shouldn’t have brought up the topic. „Sorry....I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I murmured. „It’s okay....now I got over it....Don’t worry, hyung.” I always admired his nerve. If I were him, I wouldn’t be that calm. „Do you know what is your biggest problem?” he asked. „What?” I blinked. „You think too much. Life is too short to worry about everything and waste your precious time. Live each day as if it was your last. Don’t be always a boring Church oppa, do something crazy finally. If you love it, get it.” He said enthusiastically. „But what if it won’t work.” I still had doubts. „What if...what if...who knows. Maybe this person just plays a small role in a chapter...but maybe...maybe that someone will be the main character of your story. You wouldn’t know until you don’t try it. At least taste it, before you let it go.” Bonbons came in to my mind. „Okay...hyung will try it.” I muttered agreement. I know he was right...but telling things is easier then doing them. „Okay. Please take care of Youngmin hyung.....I think....he is....a main character.” he said happily. „What have you just said?!” I couldn’t breathe. „Nothing...nothing...I have to work now, hyung. Bye!” He just hung up the phone suddenly.

            I thought maybe he knew about us. „But how?....Did Youngmin hyung tell him?!” I whispered putting my hands in front of my mouth. „What did I do?” a husky voice came behind my back. I didn’t notice when and how he got there, but he was already so close to me. „So what did I do again?” he asked softly. „Nothing...” I replied. „Okay. You don’t have to tell me. We’re just workmates after all. I just came to tell you today’s practice was cancelled so you have a free afternoon. ” His voice was like the winter wind that blew from the Han River, cold and unforgiving. When he was about to leave the room, I grabbed his wrist with both of my hands. „Hyung.............I’m sorry............” I murmured. „Please talk with me.............I can’t take this anymore! I hate this silence.........It’s okay if you hit me......just say something!” I begged. „I have already said I would never hurt you and I wasn’t able to be angry at you.....You know it took me a lot of time to accept that we can’t be more than workmates.......But it’s enough for me now. It’s enough that I can be near to you.” His voice was like ice that started to melt under the sun slowly. „You hurt me with your cold behave. I want everything to become like it were in the past........” and the words just came finally. „Hyung....I miss you. I miss your warmth...your look as you listen to my problems.....you smile and laugh as you play with our dancers...your cute expression when you eat something tasty, as you play with your hair when you are tired. I miss every little moment we shared. They weren’t big things, but they were our memories. Did you forget them? I asked. „Please don’t raise false hope. It sounds as if you loved me.” he said and finally looked at me, smiling. I blushed and stared at the floor. Than it came to my mind Daehwi’s words: „Do something crazy...” I pull him closer by his hand that I still held. „Wait...wait...” he said putting his index finger on my lips. I blinked. This was the first time I wanted to do something crazy in my life and he stopped me. „Do you really want to know me?” He asked me suddenly, his voice sounded uncertain. I just nodded. He pulled me to follow him. I didn’t know where we were going, the only important thing was he held my hand so tigh.

            Some minutes later we were in his small practicing room. Papers were full written with his rap lines lay everywhere. Finally I could read them. Hyung just stared at me behind my back, smiling. I glanced at him sometimes with a proud expression on my face. I always knew he was talented, but I didn’t realize he was a real genius. His raps were like poems, that I always adored, they weren’t childish love songs only, they had deep contents, like the meaning of life, what makes us human, how to become a better person and some poems were about pain and suffering being different.

         All of sudden everything became clear and my heart started to ache. I understood those lines, being different, were about him and his suffering. „Did you always know you love....men?” I asked carefully. „Well since I can remember...I never liked girls than other boys.” he said calmly. „Does your family know...?” „Well it’s difficult to tell...I think they know...but we never talk about this topic.....Maybe they just don’t want to face up to it. My parents still hope they will have grandchildren. So how can I say it.....they try to change me, but you know being gay isn’t a decision. I was born like this.” He said and a wry smile twisted his lips. „It must be hard for you....” I couldn’t find the words. „It was.......” his eyes became foggy as if he remembered something sad. I knew exactly how he felt. The last few months were like hell for me too, but he lived like this since his childhood. „But you can’t can't choose who you fall in love with...and I hope they will understand this one day.” his words made me feel better. Yes...it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t choose it, love chose me. „Did you have boyfriends?” I asked without thinking. „I had....” He said glancing at me. „How many...?” Maybe I was too nosy, but I was too curious. „Well I had some.....” he started „....but I had nobody since I met you.” he added when he noticed my jealous face. He came closer to me and held out his hand towards me. „Let’s start at the beginning. I’m Lim Youngmin and I am gay. Nice to meet you!” I took his hand. „I’m Kim Donghyun and I am.....maybe bisex. Nice to meet you!” I said and he pulled me into a hug. He never held me that tight. I knew everything without he spoke it out. He must be so lonely keeping his secret just like me in the past months. Finally we could talk about our true selves honestly. The secrets, that were between us and separed us apart for a long time, now bonded us together. From that moment we were there for each other and no matter how far we would rise we would always protect one another like lions. I thought he felt relieved when I hugged him back, because he breathed a sigh of relief. We stood there for a while like this. „I thought you felt disgust toward me and would turn me away if you got to know my true self.” He said smiling. I stared into his eyes deeply: „No....I think you are beautiful as you are” he burst out laughing. „Why are you laughing?!...It’s the truth...” I playfully slapped his arm. „Okayyyyy....thanks......” We gazed at each other for a while, then in a serious tone, he told me: „Now you know everything about me. I can’t say you will never be alone and everything will be perfect, but I promise you will never be lonely. I will show how much I care for you. I won’t let you eat alone at Han River anymore.” I smirked at him. „Were you secretly watching me?” He just looked away cutely. „Hyung....I don’t want to change you...I know you need space. I can understand it. For me it’s enough that you are there when I really need you.” I said sincerely and he seemed touched. „Being with you make me happy and I really want to be together with you.......Now can we tell that we’re more than workmates?” I nodded. He stroked my face gently. „Can I kiss you?” he asked finally. „If you don’t do, I will do it.” I replied and he didn’t hesitate. He cupped my cheeks with his big hands and kissed me softly and just as I expected it was the best high quality dark chocolate that I had ever tasted in my whole life.

                 I like this dark chocolate bonbon so much since then. No matter how many times I taste it, it’s still fantastic and I want more and more from it. I think I’m addicted to it. There’s no exit from it.


	4. You are .........

           Now it’s spring. Trees put on their pretty green coats again. Sun shines and the air is full of the scent of flowers. Birds sing again and the wind comes happy children voices from the near playground through the opened window. I'm looking at the specks of dust that swim in sunbeams, we, people are just like them. Sitting on the shelves we wait for somebody to run over his/her fingers on us and make us fly. Just like bonbons waiting that special person who really wants to know us without our wrapper and hopefully loves us.

           When I talked to Youngmin hyung about my ”bonbon theory” he said: „I like sweet things so you must be milk chocolate...because I love you too much.” He licked my lips. „Yes...now I’m sure you’re the sweetest of all. I get you.” He is that person I have waited for.

           It’s sad that we have to hide our relationships and pretend we are still only a simple hyung and dongsaeng, but it’s okay as long as I’m with Youngmin. Now I know how hard to keep this secret. I’m such a person who loves physical contact, touching, hugging and kissing too. You know I grew up in a family that was a little repressed. No one argued, in front of anyone else, there was hugging, kissing and lap sitting, but how can I say it.....it just wasn’t enough for me. We are not all the same. I always needed more hugs than my twin. He didn’t like physical contact as much as me. I am sure he hated when I cuddled up to him. I always felt something lacking, and loved other kids’ homes where people shouted and ran and hugged a lot. I loved movies about those kinds of people. So I grew up to be a boy who really wanted affection and touch.

         Now it’s natural that I would like to touch my boyfriend, hold his hand and hug him, but I know I can’t do them in public, because cameras are everywhere. Despite fans love fanservice (bromance moments) but I don’t know how would they react if we announced our homosexual relationship.

           Maybe because of that I also became a little introverted and love being at home where I can freely cuddle up to Youngmin hyung while watching movies. He really spends a lot of time with me now. When I read a book, he would sit next to me and play games on his phone. Once he said he didn’t like touching people, now I know he lied because he also loves to hugging and kissing me. He even sticks on me in his dreams. So you can see both of us changed. Thanks to me Youngmin hyung became more sociable and I became calmer because of him.

          Nevertheless now everything is perfect between us, I still don’t know that he is the hero of my whole story or just a special character of one chapter. But there’s one thing I’ m already sure that it’s the best chapter till now and I hope it will last long and if it’s not then I will never forget and I will always remember it as the first step of a wonderful travel.

         „What are you thinking about? You are smiling like you won the jackpot.” Speak of the devil. Hyung peeps into my room. „Well....something similar....I’m just thinking about how pretty you are.” I say and give a peck on his lips. He puts his large palm on my forehead. „Again.....Did you get a sunstroke again?” he asks me. „Nooooo...” I whine, hugging his waist. „I have already told you. It’s the truth.....you are.....yeppo.” I say giving a little aegyo. „I am not beautiful...Don’t forget I am a man....Look! I have stubble.” He rubs his chin. „Being beautiful is not only about the appearance.” You are a beautiful person, because your soul is pure. I cuddle up to him tightly just like a lost puppy to his beloved owner. My nose brushes against his neck. „Well I don’t know what happened to you....but anyway... you are so pretty outside and inside too.” I hear what he says but at this point I can only focus the warmth of his body and his sweet scent that turns me on. „You know if you are such longing, I can’t resist you.” He tilts my head and strokes my neck with his lips. „How much time do we have until the dance practice?” he asks suddenly. I jump into his arms. „It’s quite enough.” I whisper into his ear. He kisses me passionately while walking with me to my desk and makes me sit there. „Wait.....wait.....my lyrics....” I beg. „What...?” he breathes. „Nothing...” I reply short and hide the papers into the drawer. „What’s that?” He blinks at me. „ In time you will know it.....Where did we stop?....Ah...I know.....” I say pulling him close until our lips meet. „Here.” The rest of the story you can imagine ;)

 

You look beautiful

 

It wasn’t that I liked you from the start,  
I gradually started to like you.  
You who’s like a friend, no, like family  
You look pretty.  
Being stuck together every day,  
Watching movies, going around together  
Practicing together, eating, and even going out to play  
You, who holds my hand when I’m upset,  
Looks into my eyes, and comforts me  
You look pretty, really pretty  
Are we unable to be more than friends?  
You look too pretty, look pretty  
I must really be crazy  
Worring that we might become awkward  
But you look too pretty, look pretty,  
I must really be crazy.  
  
To my most beloved hyung, Lim Youngmin. Let’ stick together a long, long time❣  
Kim Donghyun

Happy Ending ;)

  
Lyrics translation credit: @woojinprk


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